I am not a religious man nor am I superstitious (which I guess, are synonymous in many ways), but Tim Tebow is very outspoken about his beliefs, and a good portion of America is in love with him because of that. Being a Denver Broncos fan for many years, I’m very excited to see them win games, and possibly a quarterback that they can build a team around. This is not a serious post, but more of a mockery of the media and their portrayal of Tebow winning games, so don’t put me in the loony bin.

There are a number of people that believe that Tim Tebow is some sign for their Christian religion, or that he is actually the second coming of Christ. Denver’s win over Pittsburgh also had an interesting collection of statistics which consisted of the numbers, 3, 1 and 6.

Tim Tebow threw for 316 yards.

Tebow had 31.6 yards per completion (note that he had 10 completions, in reality these two are related).

There was apparently a Neilson rating of 31.6.

The only interception in the game happened when the Steelers were 3rd and 16.

Pittsburgh’s total time of possession was 31 minutes and 6 seconds.

Tim used to write John 3:16 on his eyeblack.

To Tim Tebow (as well as redneck entertainer, “Stone Cold” Steve Austin), these numbers represent the script supposedly written by some ancient tribal man, named John, in the bible verse John 3:16:

“For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life”

Now, I don’t have to outline the coincidences there, they are pretty clear cut. There are many religious folk who love to look at numbers and think they are a sign of the great wizard up top telling them something (ie., the world is ending December 21st, 2012 this year). I’m not discussing religion here, but here’s a tasty nugget to chew on:

If people want to look at heavenly signs and Tim Tebow, let’s consider the fact that Tim is a left-handed quarterback. It’s been noted that historically, left-handed people are associated with evil and with the devil (they have been said to be servants of the devil). The devil is also portrayed as being left handed in many images. Read any Christian scripture and note the use of right-handedness and the favourableness associated with it. Here are some interesting myths about left-handedness:

http://www.anythinglefthanded.co.uk/lh-info/myths.html

I don’t really believe any of this, but if people want to look at “signs”, this is as likely as the 316 numbers having any meaning.

(Pictured above: Tim Tebow talking down to his home of hell, or what is now known as the inhospitable core of the earth)

With this “information” it is pretty obvious that Tim Tebow is actually the devil. If you take his name:

TIM TEBOW

It is actually an anagram of:

WITE TOMB

Which roughly translates to “White Tomb”, which would imply the death of all that is good (using the classic association of good with white). This is just more proof that Mr. Tebow is the devil. The devil is often portrayed as some great deceiver, which is exactly what Tebow does. Not only does he deceive you when he plays good (or bad, or whatever he does that week), but he deceives everyone when he pretends to be a good citizen. Tim Tebow will be the end of humanity, he is the devil!

</prophetic>

Punctuation can be a moody little bitch. Depending when and how it’s used, people react differently. This is both hilarious and powerful. I don’t mean for this to be some English lecture, but I’ve experienced the power of punctuation many times. In a simple text message you can triple the effect of anything you say using the right dot and line. Sometimes a reply calls for a stern “Fuck.” Other times an extreme “Fuck!” There is also the triple dot “Fuck…” usually used in disappointment. A message reading “Fuck?” may lead to some awkward and possibly unwanted meetings in the future. You can use punctuation in words that are not fuck, but that’s your loss, not mine.

I use computers to write most of my stuff now, but I still find a pen and paper once in a while. I remember being taught how to handwrite in my early years of school. I don’t understand the appeal of handwriting – it makes you look like a fruit and it’s very hard to read. I’d be offended if someone gave me their notes and they were handwritten. I guess some people like to wave their pen around like a wand and make this loops and twirls on their letters. To them I suggest figure skating. Printing is a cleaner form of script.

As much as I dislike writing on paper, I value a quality pen. A grip is a must, and so is the clicker. Pens with lids are pointless, though the lids make for a great projectile, usually ending up flying towards the back of someone’s head. The clicker is a great time killer and people pleaser. Everyone loves me when I sit beside them and click my pen for an hour. Sometimes I get an encore and quickly find another pen and do a drum solo on the table (great for job interviews, you have no idea how many jobs I could have gotten if I’d done this). Obviously the ink is a major deciding factor in pen quality. Gel pens are immediately out of question, unless you love ink smears all over your hand. Careful not to get too fine of a tipped pen, if you’re writing out some hate mail, you’ll probably rip through the paper (which will probably make you even angrier). You’re probably better off just lodging this into the hate mail-ee to solve that issue. Hopefully there’s just enough ink flowing that you don’t have to feel that terrible scratching from too much friction (take ink out of the sentence and read it again).

Go grab your favourite pen, and write out the perfect swear to someone special!

I’ve found that a good way to kill time and stay alert is to eat Spitz (a popular brand of sunflower seeds once owned by Old Dutch, later bought out by potato chip super-giant, Frito-Lay’s). These are a delicious by-product of the obnoxious sunflower. If I have to stay up for long hours, sunflower seeds are a quality companion, but if those hours drag on and on, my sunflower seed consumption skyrockets. This may not seem like a bad idea other than the fact that I’ve been chowing back bird feed for five hours, but these little cocksuckers are covered in salt (you know, that shit you sprinkle over bad tasting food). After devouring a bag of them, my tongue starts to feel like I was dragged behind Dale Earnhardt Jr. with my tongue on the tarmac for an afternoon of redneck chariot racing. If there is a time where I have to stay up for more than one night in a row, the sunflower seed method usually doesn’t work (well, it will keep me up, but so will the disgusting feeling of my tongue. Eventually I would like to get some rest).

On the note of sleep, I have a pair of memory foam pillows. I find this dense fabric very comforting, but it can also keep me up for hours because it is incredibly fun to play with. I’m sure they each weigh in around ten pounds, and that got me thinking, is there any official pillow fight league, and are there regulations on pillows? I’m positive I would clean up, win some trophies and probably get a sponsorship from Sealy, basically setting myself up for life. With the combination of my rapid reactions and portly pillow I would kick some ass and probably cause a few minor to serious concussions. Pillow fighting an extreme sport? I bet you never thought it could be.

Memory foam could have many useful applications. I have thought about marketing a line of pants geared towards anorexics with padding in the ass. You get the comforts of the obese, and the appearance of a malnourished sub-Saharan (win-win?). One more dream of mine has been to line an entire room in memory foam. I haven’t decided what I would do in this room other than somersaults and wall-punching, but no bad could come from it. I also think it would be practical to line the edges of a dining table with them. No joy comes from resting your arms on the edge of the table. There is a lack of comfort and you are usually left with that red mark where you had your arms. Both of the problems can be solved with one amazing material. With these concepts in mind, I should note that I have yet to be paid by anyone affiliated with memory foam, but I am checking my mailbox every day for my royalties.

Nearing the end of summer as a young Mike Mueller I would always start to get bummed out. My days full of building epic Lego castles would come to a close and the school supply list would be delivered by Postman Pat (I’m not actually sure of our post(wo)man’s name, I have no recollection of this individual. Pat works because it doubles as a reference to the claymation television series as well as being a transgender name, perfect for this situation because I don’t know if this postal worker was a male or female). The early years of elementary school would often require my parents to purchase me a manila scrapbook. For years I would confuse this term with vanilla (which is a delicious flavouring used to enhance many types of foods and also an adjective to describe blandness, people that do that can suck a fat one). Vanilla extract has a brown hue, so does manila paper. I thought that this manila paper was made from the vanilla bean. Getting a new manila scrapbook excited me because of my fondness towards vanilla (anyone who doesn’t like vanilla probably enjoys anal sex) and drawing on paper with crayons. It made art class 10% more enjoyable, and you could finally use those white crayons on the brown-tinted paper. I no longer buy manila scrapbooks (my memory is very good, I have no need to artistically decorate pictures to kick off any memories – if they were worth remembering, then I’d remember them), but I still get my manila fix from the Government of Canada. Manila is a cheap fibre that is used for papers, so I’m relieved to see our government use them to mail me money.

Further on this paper trail I will bring attention to an accidental adventure in the world of printing. Being the cheap-ass I am, I ran out of printer paper. Printing is starting to be a thing exclusively for poor people and boring people. I would rather read my how to read books on an electronic display. Thank you Apple for allowing me to do this in all stages in life: waiting in traffic, lying in bed, climbing Mt. Everest, performing open heart surgery – paper would not be very practical in many of these instances. Sure there may be some negative side effects to staring at a screen all the time, maybe it’ll cause some sort of cancer down the road, but I’m all about instant results, and holding on to my iPhone is not going to give me a paper cut. But back to my delicious discovery in the world of printing – having run out of printing paper, I was lucky to have a hefty stash of Hilroy loose leaf (I try and avoid that cheap knock-off shit, because even though I don’t make many mistakes, occasionally I drop a pencil and I need to erase that mark. Erasers don’t work as well on those shitty sheets of loose leaf). I popped that paper in the printer and the result was glorious. I remember seeing the result and came up with the most amazing idea. Everyone who has ever exchanged emails with a woman over the age of 40 knows that they tend to like some sort of font face that resembles hand writing (not sure the science behind it, but for roughly half of this demographic, this holds true). I knew that I had this font face on my computer, and never saw a use for it until now – simply change your text into this font, and print it on that handy Hilroy paper. Ever had someone complain about your messy handwriting? Hand them a message simply saying “Fuck you” in this wonderful invention of mine.

Paper is a nice material, but let’s save some trees and pollute the environment making the plastics to house our electronic displays instead. Greenpeace out.

I’ve always wondered why scratching inside your ear isn’t considered as socially offensive as picking your nose. Hygienically it’s not really any different, in fact, I would probably consider it more disgusting if someone shook my hand (or high fived if the situation called for it) after scratching their ear rather than picking their nose. Ear wax is just that, it’s waxy. That shit smears all over and it’s very hard to remove…at least when compared to your simple nose wastings. Don’t get me wrong, I would probably hope the person who tried to make hand contact with me after having a finger up their nose would get hit by a bus (or at the very least, fall down ten flights of stairs), but if I had to choose between the two, it would be Nose-Nugget Ned.

Keeping on the topic of personal hygiene, I’ve also wondered why my toenails don’t grow as fast as my fingernails. Maybe it’s from wearing socks and shoes, similar to how a fish won’t grow big in a small aquarium. I’ll probably have to get a hold of Bill Nye (the Science Guy) to confirm my almost un-refutable theory, just to please any nay-sayers. The worst part about long finger nails is having an itch. Sometimes that bitch of an itch just continues to piss you off, so you get back at it by scratching…but your fingernails are an 1/8th of an inch longer than expected. Thank the good people at Band-Aid for producing such convenient bandages, because now you’re bleeding. Hopefully you don’t have AIDs – that will definitely cause a ruckus if you give someone your disgusting disease. I should also note the unfortunate event of cutting your nails too short. Occasionally you are cutting your nails while watching SportsCentre (it’s SportsCenter in America, interesting fact for those without satellite television), and Donovan McNabb is getting interviewed. He says something about giving it 110% and subconsciously you do the same thing when cutting your fingernails. That’s awesome, because now for the next 28 hours you have a subtle, but nagging pain at your fingertips. It’s okay, it will pass quickly, just be sure not mimic Spider-Man climbing any walls or make a finger paint masterpiece in the meantime.

One more sanitary set-off of mine are 2-in-1 shampoo/conditioners. Obviously these are a well-planned invention, but they are not well-executed. I’ve tried all combinations of shampoo and conditioner: shampoo-only, conditioner-only, shampoo followed by conditioner, conditioner followed by shampoo, and 2-in-1s, and there is no way that 2-in-1s compare to the shampoo/conditioner assault. I place the 2-in-1s closer to shampoo only. My hair is not silky smooth after using them. It is clean, and that is important, but there would be no way that I could weave a comfortable article of clothing out of my hair after using 2-in-1 shampoo/conditioners. Also, I’ve noticed that a lot of dandruff shampoos are 2-in-1s, no standalones here. I’m not an expert on these because I don’t have parmesan cheese falling from my scalp, but I am certainly curious the reasoning behind that.

That is enough to chew on, so remember, always brush your teeth, just not when you are running up the stairs (side-note: one of my greatest fears is falling while I’m brushing my teeth and choking to death. An unfortunate death, but at least people would know that I practiced basic personal hygiene).

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